the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
