I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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