I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
