I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
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Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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