I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
