After last night, I could never be a politician.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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