he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
