Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
