I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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