I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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