I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
