just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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