those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I believe in your delicious
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
