i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
