My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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