I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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