I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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