i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
