I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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