I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize