How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I had to cum in my sink.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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