i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
