Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i need some magic done to my vagina
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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