You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
