STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
