Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
