mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
