o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
