I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
