I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
