were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
