I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
