The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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