it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
