Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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