There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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