Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
