I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
