Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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