Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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