Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
