Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i need some magic done to my vagina
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
