worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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