So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
