So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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