he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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