my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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