your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
