Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
