Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Houston, we have a squirter
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
