My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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