If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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