How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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