Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
